mhalachai: (Default)
mhalachai ([personal profile] mhalachai) wrote2008-07-05 10:12 pm

Life in a Box (NCIS/SGA) PG-13

So I know I'm being the game here, but I just watched the NCIS season finale a few days ago and here's my reactionary post, yo.

Life in a Box
An NCIS/Stargate Atlantis story


Summary: After it's over, the remnants of a life fit into a single box.
Rating: PG-13 for some rough language
Disclaimer: Sony and MGM own all things Stargate Atlantis. CBS and Bellisario et al. owns all NCIS. I'm only borrowing and will return them at the end of the fic.
Spoilers: Nothing for SGA; major spoilers for the end of season five of NCIS (Judgment Day)
Characters: Tony DiNozzo versus John Sheppard with some Ziva David for added pain. A Tony-reaction piece to the season finale.
Word count:: 2,300
Note: It's another long-lost family fic, but that's really inconsequential to the NCIS-centric Tony guilt-fest here.

~~~


Tony tossed another box of paperclips into the packing box on his desk. Yes, they were federal government property, but if NCIS wanted to prosecute over stolen office supplies when he was exiled ship-side, then they could go fuck themselves. He didn't care.

He should have cared.

His helicopter to the USS Regan left in sixteen hours. His NCIS access pass to the Navy Yard would be yanked in three. It wasn't the same thing as being escorted out of Philadelphia Homicide by the Captain, but it was close. At least in Philly he hadn't lost a boss.

He wondered if Jenny was scared when the bullets came.

The bullpen lay still under the usual post-funeral malaise, with the shock and dull acceptance chokingly thick. It was the same after Kate had died at his side and Paula Cassidy had died on the other side of a brick wall. And now, Jenny was dead and he hadn't been anywhere near her in the end.

He didn't understand why Jenny had gone to Mike Franks when she was in trouble, and not to him. He thought she trusted him, and now she was dead.

The stapler went into the box, landing beside the small unframed photograph of Kate and Abby and McGee and Ducky from a staff office party so many years before.

It didn't seem right that Kate and Jenny had never met.

He couldn't do this, couldn't pack up his life at NCIS into a box and not break down screaming. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair, there was no parking anywhere, and Tony couldn't figure out which was worse: that Jenny was dead, or that Tony hadn't been there for her in the end.

After Vance had torn the team asunder, Gibbs had pulled yet another vanishing act. McGee was in Abby's lab, trying to talk the girl woman, woman, Abby was nothing but woman and now Tony would never be able to tell her how much she meant to him out of quitting in protest or dynamiting the building, Tony wasn't sure. Ziva was off beating up cars or whatever it was Mossad agents did to vent steam, and Kate and Paula and Jenny were still dead on Tony's watch and Tony was alone, shoving every single moment of his life at NCIS into a box.

He couldn't do this without throwing up or breaking down or falling apart. Moving around his desk, he stood in the centre of the bullpen for a few minutes. No more campfires to get ideas, no more tormenting Ziva or ganging up on McGee and no more Gibbs' head-smacks. None of it. It was over now.

This time tomorrow, he would be Special Agent Tony DiNozzo, Agent Afloat on the USS Regan, and Ziva would be in Israel and McGee would be in Cyber Crimes and Gibbs would be all alone and Jenny would still be dead.

Something was wrong with his legs. It happened sometimes with his busted knee, hitting him at the strangest of times, like now. He managed to make it to Ziva's corner of the bullpen and lean on the desk before his body dumped him to the floor. It was a strange perspective over here, with a clear view up the stairs to MTAC and the Director's office and the tall Air Force officer making his way down the stairs with an overfull box in his hands.

Tony let his eyes linger on the officer, something new and different in the stale building. They didn't get many Air Force officers in this part of the Navy Yard, especially ones with hair that long. Seriously, it was like the man had stuck his finger in a light socket. How had his CO let him get that unkempt? At least he was shaven.

Had he been at the memorial service? Tony couldn't remember, and that bothered him. He was a trained investigator, he was supposed to spot inconsistencies in his surroundings. An Air Force officer in service dress blues in the Navy Yard was as odd as they came.

The man hit the bottom step and hesitated before turning right and curving around the windows. He met Tony's eyes and paused by the divider separating Tony's workspace from the empty space by the window. Tony had enough time to spot the man's silver oak leaves and marvel that an Air Force Lieutenant Colonel would let his hair get so punk are you talking to me? before the man rested the box on the divider and spoke.

"Don't suppose you could point me in the direction of the nearest fire exit?" the Lieutenant Colonel asked in something close to a weary drawl.

Tony jerked a thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the elevator. "Did you lose your escort?" he had to ask, because even Air Force Lieutenant Colonels were escorted around the NCIS building.

"The Director's assistant was supposed to walk me out, but she's not taking things too well." The Lieutenant Colonel centered his hat on top of the box, just enough to reveal the top contents. Tony had a moment to stare at Jenny's father's framed photograph before he registered the nameplate on the Lieutenant Colonel's uniform.

Sheppard.

Tony's blood turned to ice. A man named Sheppard carting away Jenny's personal possessions on the day of her funeral couldn't be a coincidence. And now here he was, talking to the NCIS Agent who had let his sister? Wife? No, Jenny hadn't ever been married relation die alone in the California desert.

"Cynthia was very fond of Jenny," Tony heard himself saying, straightening up as well as he could in his funeral suit. "Vance couldn't walk you out?"

"Who?" Colonel Sheppard pushed his hand through his hair, making it even worse. Tony spotted a bright red scar on the back of the man's wrist, a recently healed injury.

"The new Director," Tony said slowly, not liking where this was going.

Colonel Sheppard shrugged, dropping his hand to rest on the box. "He wasn't around. It wasn't like I was expected." His mouth turned up in a grimace that might have been a smile on a better day. "I was... deployed, when I got the news about Jen. I just got here in time to miss the funeral."

What was worse, missing a chance to say goodbye by a few days, or a few hours? Tony swallowed. "It was nice, you know. Flowers and stuff and lots of high-placed people saying things."

Colonel Sheppard shifted in place uncomfortably. "Jen would have hated that. All the bullshit political crap." He closed his eyes for the briefest of moments, looking so very tired. Then he opened his eyes again, taking in the rest of the bullpen. His gaze stilled on the half-empty box on Tony's desk. He frowned. "Did you lose someone else?"

Tony looked at the box on his desk. Of course the Lieutenant Colonel would think that someone else was dead. The Director was dead, so wouldn't it have been fitting to have her bodyguards also down for the count?

Of course Sheppard would think that, because how was it fucking logical that Tony and Ziva and even Mike fucking Franks were unharmed and Jenny was dead, her small body ripped up by the deadly ravages of automatic weapons fire because she'd been on her own in the middle of the desert because Tony was too eager for a break from work to have seen the signs that she was in danger?

Tony shoved away the tsunami of guilt behind a grin that was totally inappropriate but he couldn't stop himself. "No, just some reorganization of the staff." He realized belatedly that his voice had sounded too happy when Jenny was dead on his watch, but that was the DiNozzo way. Betray the woman you love, let the woman who trusts you be killed alone in the desert, and do it all with a grin.

Colonel Sheppard looked at him with indecipherable eyes, and Tony had to turn away under the guise of straightening his tie. His new vantage point put him staring directly at the elevator doors opening on Ziva. She stared at Tony with eyes so wide in her pale face that it made his gut ache.

Ziva David shouldn't look like that. She was hardcore, an assassin and a survivor, and people like that didn't get to look so close to skittering apart on the office floor.

Tony turned back to Colonel Sheppard, wondering what else the man wanted. He knew the way out, he had no reason to stay. Then Tony remembered that he hadn't introduced himself I better introduce myself. I'm the big landowner, chief moneylender in these parts. Pushing off the desk like he had springs in his feet, he blurted out, "Tony DiNozzo," making the passing Agent Lee jump into the air at the suddenness of it all.

Colonel Sheppard took Tony's offered hand without hesitation. His grip was firm, his hand calloused as if he held a gun for most of the day, and Tony wondered, because Lieutenant Colonels were seldom in the direct line of fire that would demand such constant vigilance.

Ziva drifted to her desk on silent feet, sitting demurely in her chair and folding deadly hands in her lap. Did she blame Tony for Jenny's death? If he'd listened to her in the first place, maybe they wouldn't have buried Jenny that day.

Colonel Sheppard let go of Tony's hand. "Call me John," said the Lieutenant Colonel, his eyes flickering to Ziva, for only a moment. "Jen told me about you guys."

"I-- She did?" That was news to Tony, who had never heard a mention of this Lieutenant Colonel who was now carrying away the remnants of Jenny's life.

"Yeah," John said, fiddling with the edge of his cap. "I'm the only person where I'm stationed, who has family with security clearance as high as I do." His fingers slipped and landed hard on the picture frame. "I mean, had family."

"You are her cousin John," Ziva said quietly. Her dark eyes had fixed on John's face with something akin to hunger and Tony didn't understand. "The one in the Air Force."

That didn't take much deductive reasoning, seeing as how the man was in dress blues, but Tony wasn't sure he wanted to interrupt Ziva with snarky feedback when in two hours, he may never see her again. Just like that, she's gone.

"She spoke of you while we were in Europe," Ziva continued.

"She did?" Tony interjected.

"She did." Ziva finally looked away, at the gleam of the afternoon sun shining through the windows on the Anacostia River. "But that was years ago. Many things have changed since then."

"Yeah." Sheppard blinked, his eyes flicking to the box then back to Tony. "I never expected Jen to go like this. In a house fire." The words were banal, but Tony was suddenly hyper-aware of his surroundings, as sure as if the man had aimed a gun at his head. "I always expected her to go out in the line of duty."

Tony returned the man's look. The man couldn't know how Jenny really died, but Tony didn't give a fuck about cover-ups and his job or anything because Jenny was dead on his watch, just like Kate and Paula before her, and no amount of truth or lies would bring her back, and Tony missed Jenny so much, too much for propriety or reason, and after she was gone his whole life had been ripped away.

Without missing a beat, Tony said, "And I wish I could tell you that she'd gone out fighting."

Ziva's breath hitched, but all Tony could see was the way Colonel Sheppard's eyes darkened and his grip tightened on the box. The man nodded at Tony, an acknowledgment, nothing more. Sometimes the truth does taste like a mouthful of worms.

Above them, Tony knew that Director Vance watched, that Gibbs hovered in the corner of the bullpen, that Ziva stood at Tony's side for the last time ever, and the guilt in his head would wear him down until one day, he'd be the one lying on the ground in a pool of blood.

One day, someone would be standing where John stood, with Tony's life packed up in a box.

"I should go," Colonel Sheppard said into the stillness. "Thanks for your help."

Ziva choked on a laugh. A laugh, because Jenny was dead because of them, Tony and Ziva, and her cousin was holding her life in a box and he thanked them and Tony couldn't say anything.

Without another word, Colonel Sheppard scooped up the box off the divider and walked towards the elevator, walking the path out of NCIS that Tony would follow in mere hours.

Ziva's presence at Tony's side was warm, and he wouldn't let himself touch her in case the last memory he took was her pulling away. "Did Jenny really talk about her cousin?" he asked, because standing in silence like this hurt.

"Once," Ziva replied. "Their relationship was... complicated."

There was something loaded in that word that Tony couldn't decipher, but it didn't really matter. Ziva went back to her desk and Tony went to his, hands moving over objects on the surface as the only way to prevent himself from breaking down as his whole life spiraled down the drain.

He resumed shoving things in the box, and it was too much like the box John Sheppard had held, and that was the fucking point, wasn't it? In the end, all anyone's life and death amounted to was a pile of inanimate objects shoved in a box, set aside to gather dust.

an end

[identity profile] draconin.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 06:04 am (UTC)(link)
Yeah, you captured it perfectly: that was pretty much my reaction too. Didn't like the S5 ending to put it incredibly mildly and I can't quite see where they're going to go that will be a direction I can live with. Particularly, I don't see how they can *possibly* have any more eps that have Abby in them without requiring her character to either resign or react in a way that's totally untrue to herself.
Edited 2008-07-06 06:05 (UTC)

[identity profile] mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 06:10 am (UTC)(link)
I can't see the audience being happy if the team *doesn't* come back -- at the very least, there's Gibbs and Abby and Ducky in the basement, but the heart of the show was really in Gibbs' on-site team. It's nuts.

And I was sort of annoyed at how everything ended up being sort of Tony's fault -- he didn't pay attention to Jenny or Ziva so the Director's dead and Tony's being shipped off as punishment. How are they going to get out of that one? At least we know they won't be pulling a "House" on us. I guess we'll see in Sept.

ETA because I think I missed a few points -- What I was driving at in this little ficlette was that Tony's character has been shown to care so much for his team, and to lost someone during a mission has to be ripping him apart. Or at least, pre-writer's strike Tony. I'm convinced up and down that during the writer's strike all the writers went insane or something. That's the only say to explain this show and Bones, to look at only two (SPN is another matter and meta for another time).
Edited 2008-07-06 06:14 (UTC)

[identity profile] draconin.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 06:29 am (UTC)(link)
ETA because I think I missed a few points -- What I was driving at in this little ficlette was that Tony's character has been shown to care so much for his team, and to lost someone during a mission has to be ripping him apart.

Believe me, you made the point!! :-) And I agree with you 100%. Tony's sleazy style drove me nuts sometimes, despite knowing that it was largely put on, but there's absolutely no doubt that he cared deeply about the whole team. To blame him for obeying orders is IMHO insane, even if in retrospect he should not have.

It annoyed the hell out of me to have the show end on that note, particularly in view of how the other characters (Ducky & Abby) will undoubtedly take it. I gather season 6 is scheduled to start in Sept. I'm anticipating with trepidation.

[identity profile] mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 05:30 pm (UTC)(link)
I agree that Tony in the mid-seasons was a bit over the top, but I think that he tempered down in season 5. I also think Tony was put in an impossible place at the end of Judgment Day -- he'd obeyed Jenny's orders up to a point when he really knew something was up; he was both worried someone was going to blame him for her death and at the same time was trying to goad someone into saying it just once. And then when Vance kicked him to the curb for what looked like political reasons, it was another heaping tablespoon of badness. Because Gibbs didn't blame Tony (and I don't think Tony or Ziva knew how sick Jen was, and thus her motivation to go out like that) and so if the team had stuck together, Tony would have dealt. But alas.

And man, I ramble. September cannot come soon enough!

[identity profile] fufumira.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 08:20 am (UTC)(link)
Haven't seen it, but wow, this story ripped me a new one. I can totally see the crossover tho. Jen and John. Whew.

[identity profile] mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 06:34 pm (UTC)(link)
You should totally see Judgment Day. It really is an awesome episode, if a little WTF at the end.

The idea of John and Jen being related would be awesome. Well, the idea of John having any relations would be good, because the boy's a little emotionally stunted. Which is why we love him.

Edited 2008-07-06 18:35 (UTC)

[identity profile] fufumira.livejournal.com 2008-07-08 03:06 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, I intend to. I just sort of discovered NCIS. So I'm surfing my way through from the first season. Which works nicely given how much chemistry homework I must also go through.
jebbypal: (Default)

[personal profile] jebbypal 2008-07-06 01:14 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh wow, great job.

[identity profile] mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 06:34 pm (UTC)(link)
Thanks!

[identity profile] lilyoftheval5.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 01:27 pm (UTC)(link)
Painful. And very touching.
Thank you.

[identity profile] mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com 2008-07-07 12:15 am (UTC)(link)
Thanks, I'm glad you... not enjoyed, but you know what I mean.

[identity profile] tapas-girl.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 02:58 pm (UTC)(link)
Longtime reader but first time commenting, I'm just starting to get into NCIS myself and I feel like I have so much to catch up on! I definitely want the team back together, but I can't help but look forward to the possible crossovers that could happen with the confidential folder scenario...who knows who could be in there ^_^

[identity profile] butterflykiki.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 05:45 pm (UTC)(link)
*sniffle* I needed a fic like this. Thanks. And owwwww. I'd like to see more? But this is perfect as-is.

[identity profile] jujuberry136.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 05:52 pm (UTC)(link)
Nicely done, great job conveying Tony's guilt over an impossible situation. I'm still not happy about the S5 ending (or Bones for that matter- did all the writers go crazy over the strike or something?!).

Thanks for sharing!

p.s. I'd love to see that conversation between Jenny and Ziva about John...it'd be awesome.
kaylashay81: (NCIS - Tony Hug)

[personal profile] kaylashay81 2008-07-06 06:01 pm (UTC)(link)
You're writing NCIS!!!!

You captured the emotions perfectly in this little piece. Of course I'm coming off of binge watching SGA now and just watched the ep where Carson died so kinda emotional now.

I really liked how you conveyed the way John appears through Tony. Nice touch.

I've been debating doing some SGA/NCIS crossovers now that I've been watching SGA. Just not there yet.

[identity profile] adafrog.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 07:51 pm (UTC)(link)
Well done.

[identity profile] cissasghost.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 09:12 pm (UTC)(link)
That was really spectacularly depressing, you know? But well done.

[identity profile] sulien77.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 09:38 pm (UTC)(link)
Damn. So emotionally raw and bruised and just hurting. John's last bit of family that he appears to be on good terms with is gone and Tony is dealing with a horrible guilt and Ziva is fragile. I loved this even though it did make me feel like I had molten lead swirling in my gut.

On a lighter side, Joe Mallozzi has said that there will be an eoisode in the back half of season 5 of SGA that he thinks of as "CSI Atlantis", so it looks like there will be a great canon jumping off point for some NCIS crossovers.
ext_1880: (Default)

[identity profile] lillian13.livejournal.com 2008-07-06 10:03 pm (UTC)(link)
I always wanted to see the Sheppard connection between NCIS and SGA. :-)

I felt like the end of the season, the way Vance handled it, was politics with a strong dose of revenge. Tony and Ziva stood up to him publicly and to his face, (and are 'replaceable'), therefore they are as far away as he can get them. McGee stood up to him but did it under the radar, (and he's useful), so he stays close by. Abby and Ducky? Irreplaceable. Can't mess with them (yet). Can't do anything directly to Gibbs, who stood up to him a lot, so let's gut his team.

The idea of Tony on the Reagan makes me giggle, if only because my brother is CMO on the Regan until late August.
ghostgum: (Default)

[personal profile] ghostgum 2008-07-07 01:39 am (UTC)(link)
Man, this is story packs a punch. I'm only just getting into NCIS myself, but I'm a long time SGA girl, so I had to read it. Your capturing of Tony's emotions here is just... raw, and wonderful, and harsh all at once.
vaznetti: (Default)

[personal profile] vaznetti 2008-07-07 12:12 pm (UTC)(link)
I really love this -- because yes, this is exactly what Tony would be going through. I like how you've stripped away all the surfaces he usually puts on.
rainne: (NCIS - Jenny - Yearning)

[personal profile] rainne 2008-07-07 01:32 pm (UTC)(link)
Wow, that was amazing. Very well done, and I think you captured all of our feelings of helplessness at the finale perfectly.

A+!

[identity profile] sundara.livejournal.com 2008-07-23 09:06 am (UTC)(link)
Never thought of the same last name with Jen and John...great idea, well executed. BTW--there's no Navy Yard pass to pull...he has an NCIS I.D. which gets him on any base (unless you meant a Yard parking pass for Yard employees...that they prolly have.) And interestingly enough, becoming an Agent Afloat is a promotion, technically. Even tho in this case, it's personally and slyly used as a "punishment", breaking up Gibbs' Cowboy team (and trying to just break Gibbs by forcing him to know who's top dog.) You caught the frustration and pain Tony must feel perfectly.

[identity profile] roga.livejournal.com 2008-08-10 02:49 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh, this was heartbreaking. And beautiful, but oh, Tony :-(

[identity profile] mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com 2008-08-11 12:09 am (UTC)(link)
I know. It wasn't the best time for Tony and I wanted to hit him up with a little more guilt, sidelining him with the mystery cousin. Plus, an awesome crossover.

[identity profile] ranlynn.livejournal.com 2008-09-30 03:33 am (UTC)(link)
Okay, read 'Agent Afloat Atlatnis' then 'Life in a Box'.

You have *got* to do more SGA/NCIS fics, seriously. I like they way you combine the two universes and the characters.

(Anonymous) 2008-11-04 10:10 am (UTC)(link)
I started reading your stories when you began Inevitable, and had to stop for almost a year from reading. Now I have time to look around everything you have written lately, and look what I found! This reads now just like a deleted scene between seasons. Even the random mention of agent Lee could be read as foreshadowing for the 6th season! I love this story, even if it's sadder than what I usually like best. Tony's guilt, and his wondering if John's guilt is similar. And that feeling of futility everyone gets just after a traumatic event, be it the death of someone near, or just the loss of your job, reflected in the way Tony cannot bring himself to care how things get shoved into the box... I'm getting overly verbose here, sorry, but I really like this story, and I missed your writing more than I realised.
Loved it, loved it!
Let's find the next! :-)

[identity profile] offlers-teeth.livejournal.com 2008-11-04 10:21 am (UTC)(link)
and that was me, forgetting my own name next... uff