FIC: Not My Words (AB)

[mhalachai]

Title: Not My Words
Fandom: Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter (master list here)
Characters: Anita, Nathaniel
Prompt: 007 -- Days
Word Count: 1376
Disclaimer: Laurell K. Hamilton owns all things Anita Blake. Only the story is my own.
Rating: PG
Sequel/Second part of Twenty-One Years.

~~*~~

Nathaniel looked up from the newspaper as I walked into the kitchen. "You're back," he said with obvious relief. Then he ducked his head, almost as if he was trying to hide his reaction.

"Yeah, I'm back," I said, dropping my keys onto the table. "Is Micah around?" During the car ride home, I'd talked myself into telling Micah about today, about my mom, and about what was bothering me. Never let it be said that I backed down from anything once I'd committed myself to it.

"He had to go into town," Nathaniel told me. He closed the newspaper. "Violet called, she needed something."

His voice was level, but he just couldn't hide all of his distaste for Violet. I never had figured it out, why Nathaniel disliked Violet so much. She was the most submissive of Micah's part of the pard, as bad as Nathaniel used to be, and Nathaniel could not stand her.

"Does he need any help?" I asked. I didn't want to deal with Violet's shit today, but if Micah needed my assistance, I'd go.

Nathaniel shook his head. "Micah said he'd call you if he couldn't do it alone, but I think he was going to be okay."

"Oh." Micah wasn't there for me to tell him everything, and for some reason it irritated me, as if he should just be there when I needed him. I sat down across from Nathaniel and stared at the table. I wasn't thinking straight, and it pissed me off.

"Do you want some coffee?" Nathaniel asked, already standing up.

"No, thanks," I muttered. I played with my keys, trying to figure out what to do next. Everything I wanted to say, about my mother, was on the tip of my tongue, but as I looked up at Nathaniel, I realised that I couldn't say this stuff, not to him.

I'd lost my mother, but I still had my father and grandmother, and later Judith, to feed me and clothe me and protect me and read me bedtime stories and worry about me when I stayed out late. Nathaniel's mother had died, leaving a very young Nathaniel and his older brother Nicky. Their stepfather beat Nicky to death while the older boy tried to protect Nathaniel. Nathaniel had been on the streets since he was just a little kid, prostituting himself out in order to buy food and, later, the heroin that addicted him.

It was only after Gabriel, the wereleopard's former alpha, turned Nathaniel furry, that Nathaniel didn't have to worry about starving anymore, but one could argue that what Gabriel put Nathaniel through, he'd have been better off on the streets.

I dropped my keys, feeling a thousand times worse. Nathaniel's loss had been so much greater than mine, and a tiny ashamed part of me was angry that he seemed to handle it all so well.

"Anita?"

Nathaniel knelt by my side, long auburn hair pulled back into a loose braid. Carefully, as if he was afraid I was a bomb that would go off without notice, he placed his hands on my knee.

I cleared my throat. "Yeah?"

Nathaniel stroked my knee, more to reassure himself that me, I think. He did that, touch me when he was worried or upset. "Is there anything I can do?"

I stared at him, into those apprehensive lilac eyes. "What do you mean?"

Nathaniel slid lower and placed his cheek against my thigh. "You've been unhappy for days," he said softly. "Why?"

Everything in my head wanted to push Nathaniel away, to keep my grief and my pain to myself. What right did I have to be sad, when Nathaniel had suffered so much more than I did?

As if he could sense what I was thinking, Nathaniel slid his arms around my legs, pinning me gently to the chair. "Can I make you less unhappy?"

I swallowed, trying to blink away the sudden sting of tears in my eyes. "No," I whispered.

He waited. That was the thing about Nathaniel. He knew when to talk back to me, and he also knew when to remain silent.

"I..." I pulled Nathaniel's braid over his shoulder while I tried to figure out what to say, letting the auburn mass run over my hands like a silky rope. "It's just that today's the day... I mean..." I pulled the braid tight between my hands in my lap. "I don't know what I mean."

Nathaniel's breath was hot on my leg, and for the first time in months, his touch wasn't making me think of sex. It made me want to curl up with him under the covers of our bed and wait for the world to go away.

"This is the day that my mother died."

The words fell like pebbles into a still pond. The sound vanished, but I started trembling and couldn't stop.

Nathaniel rose up, and tugged me off the chair until I was on his lap, on the kitchen floor. He wrapped his arms around me, the warmth from his body curling around me. I tried to push my feelings away, but being held like this only made things worse. I started to cry. Not big tears or sobs or anything, just steady tears rolling down my cheeks as Nathaniel held me.

After a few minutes, the trembling and the tears stopped. My head was quiet now, and I felt empty.

Nathaniel smoothed the hair back from my face with one hand. Hesitantly, I raised my head. What would he think? I was his Nimir-Ra, the stable centre of his life. Nimir-Ras weren't supposed to break down over something that happened before Nathaniel was even born.

There was no judgment or annoyance in Nathaniel. He looked almost understanding. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head. "No, I'm being stupid about this, it happened so long ago and you lost more than I did, I'm not even sure why--"

Nathaniel interrupted my babbling by putting his fingers on my cheek. It wasn't putting his hand over my mouth, but it had the same effect. "It's not stupid," he said evenly. "It's not in any way stupid."

"But--"

"I didn't have time to think about my mom, or anyone," Nathaniel kept going. "I used time and everything to make me forget, until I can't even remember her today." Something shifted in his eyes, deeper than his beast. "I can't remember my mom anymore, Anita. I'd give anything to be able to remember her."

I wrapped my arms around Nathaniel, in a reversal of a few minutes ago. Nathaniel relaxed into my arms, letting me hold him. I kissed his hair, stroking his back as he breathed against me.

After a long while, I felt the last tension leave his body. "Do you want me to help you?" I said, not even sure what I was offering.

"What do you mean?" Nathaniel asked, voice muffled against my shoulder.

"We could find some stuff about your mom," I suggested. "If you want."

Nathaniel moved back and raised dry eyes to me. "Really?"

The hint of desperate hope in his eyes made me wonder what I'd just done, but I couldn't back away. "Really."

Nathaniel didn't say anything, but the tiny smile on his face told me how he was feeling. He stood and helped me to my feet, not letting go of my hand when I was vertical.

"Maybe..." Nathaniel said, "Maybe you can tell me a bit about your mom?"

My first impulse was to decline, but suddenly I found that I didn't want to. I wanted to tell someone about my mom. "Sure."

Nathaniel smiled, big and relieved, and my breath caught in my throat. Not at how beautiful he was, but at how happy I'd made him with one word.

He leaned in and kissed my cheek. "I'll make some coffee and we can go into the living room," he offered.

I was left standing in the middle of the room as he moved to the coffee maker. This hadn't been how I pictured telling one of my guys about my mom, but that was okay. I never thought I'd want this life, but it was what I had. And lately, in spite of everything, I was happy.

--fin

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

It's not bad. But than I'm biased, never been fond of Nathaniel. Wonder how that conversation would have worked out with Jean-Claude or Micah?
Still this was well-written and expertly executed.
I applaud you,
Irene

[thekams.livejournal.com]

I loved this, and I love your Nathaniel. It's nice that she told him, rather than one of the others...I think Nathaniel would understand her. =)

[gale-dragoon.livejournal.com]

This actually made me really want to cry. Anita reminds me of myself in some ways concerning my own mother...So I think this is a wonderfully done fic.

[houses7177.livejournal.com]

*sniffle* That was beautiful, elegantly simple and poignant. Lovely.

[cissasghost.livejournal.com]

Woah, high-contrast color scheme! Made me blink.

But back to the fic - I am consistently amazed that you can make me like Anita/Nathaniel. I think it's that your Nathaniel is such a grown-up; you can really *see* how careful he is of Anita, in the way you write him, and . . I guess he's got this degree of self-acceptance that's nice to see. He's functional. Still messed-up, still Nathaniel with all his various issues, but he's a Nathaniel that fits into his world as a full person. I think this is what LKH was trying to show us about him in ID, but honestly? I think you write him better than she does, or at least write him in a way that communicates better to me. :)

In other words, *sniff, wibble*, that was very nice. All comforting and warm and fuzzy and stuff. Like hot chocolate.

-Sonya

[az-anneliese.livejournal.com]

I love the way you can write Nathaniel and it ends up being realistic. He's a tricky one to pull off because of his past and his growing independence - I can see how it would be difficult to determine, as a writer, when you've gone to far with the submissiveness or the steps he takes towards being less dependent and you do a great job.

I also like the reaction of Anita here. She can be one hard-assed bitch most of the time but it always ends up being the little (or sentimental issues you wouldn't really think would get to her) that make her vulnerable.

You are also showing the growing trust between the two characters the LKH has been gradually giving to us. In the beginning, Anita always had to be strong in front of Nathaniel because he was so submissive and now she can trust him to take care of her so she can be weaker in front of him. This is what is true in the books and you do a delightful job at portraying that in your fics.

It was very nice, I enjoyed it very much. Have a good night!

[waterfall8484]

Aaaww... that was sad, but in a very sweet way. I just love how you build on and expand the growing relationship between Anita and Nathaniel that we've seen in the latest books. *fangirls*

[sabriel-0405.livejournal.com]

I think I agree with what everyone else has had to say. Anita/Nathaniel isn't my favorite pairing but in your hands it feels natural. This was sweet and sad and just wonderful.

[mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com]

I think Nathaniel would understand her more than any of the other guys because a) he lost his mother and b) she would tell him more, or at least in a different way, than the other guys. With Nate, she can open up more, at least the way I see it, rather than with Micah or JC. They are both so alpha, strong like her, that she might hesitate to seem unable to cope.

With Nate, though, I think she's finally starting to realize that being "strong" for him doesn't mean not being human around him.

(Plus there's that living teddy bear thing going on....)

[mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)

[mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com]

The colour scheme is to go with my new default icon, the winter barn. I'll change it back to the khaki pattern after the holidays.

While my true OTP on AB land is JC/Anita, Anita/Nathaniel just seems to make sense to me. I suspect it's because I'm plotting out Inevitable, still, and those two are interacting in ways that make logical sense to me. Once Anita realizes that yes, it's okay to love Nathaniel, I suspect that she'll get more comfortable with him. She'd better, as if I am right in my suspicions, and that triumvirate has all four marks.

I just write Nathaniel as I see him, although, to be fair, I spend more time with him than LKH does.

[mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Anita and Nathaniel seem to make sense to me. I'm lucky in this fandom that I don't have to have one OTP :)

[mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com]

*g* thanks! I am glad we've seen Nathaniel become more of a person in later books, seeing as how he's got so much potential. I think that he'll continue to surprise us. (Or maybe that's because my Nathaniel in my fic will continue to surprise :)

[catherinecookmn.livejournal.com]

This is lovely. I like how you're pursuing the theme of LKL's, as shown in her opening tease-chapter of the upcoming Danse Macabre, of Nathaniel becoming very wise and willing to be a bit more assertive when needed. (The way he handles Ronnie -- subtly manipulating her emotions and responses, for her own good -- would make Jean-Claude stand up and applaud.)

[mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com]

I'm glad my characterization of Nathaniel rings true. After reading ID, I'm not a fan of Nathaniel as super submissive any more. Also, he was never totally submissive as some people write him. He's a manipulator, slowly trying to wedge his way into Anita's life, to become what she wants him to be so that she will *need* him. It's a protectionary measure, and a damned smart survival tool.

It's a big step for Anita, first recognizing her feeling and then dealing with them. For years, she was hiding from herself. I like her better this way.

Thanks so much for your comments :)

[mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com]

Anita has given Nathaniel the strength to become more assertive, which is circularly the only way that she'll accept him more into her life. He's wheedling his way in, not by being submissive in the traditional sense, but by becoming what Anita wants him to be.

They're so twisted, our young couple :P

[mhalachaiswords.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if I'm glad I made you want to cry, but thank you for the comment on the fic :)

*hugs*

[thekams.livejournal.com]

LoL...people do tell things to their teddy bears!! =P

[gale-dragoon.livejournal.com]

Oh see, it was quite a few years ago. That was why there was the whole me-Anita comprasison.
But thank you. For the hug.

[mlady-rebecca.livejournal.com]

*wipes eyes* That was so sweet. Sharing helped them both feel better.